To whom it may concern:
If you're reading this document it means I'm either dead or disappeared under mysterious circumstances. My name is Marshall Teller. Not long ago, I was living in New Jersey, just across the river from New York City. It was crowded, polluted and full of crime... and I loved it. But my parents wanted a better life for my sister and me. So we moved to a place so wholesome, so squeaky-clean, you could only find it on TV. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, my new hometown looks normal enough... but look again. What's wrong with this picture? The American Dream come true, right? Wrong. Nobody believes me, but this is the center of weirdness for the entire planet. Eerie, Indiana -- my Home Sweet Home. Still don't believe me? You will.